Before the Gita - Arjuna's First Doubt

Arjuna: "You're not sleeping."

Krishna: "Neither are you."

Arjuna sits beside his friend—charioteer, cousin, counselor, and something more that he can barely comprehend.

Arjuna: "Tomorrow we begin killing. For eighteen days, we will kill until there's no one left to kill. And for what? A kingdom that will be built on corpses?"

Krishna: "Are you having doubts?"

Arjuna: "I'm having nightmares while awake. I see Drona's face—my teacher, who taught me everything. Tomorrow I must kill him. I see Bhishma—who held me on his knee as a child, who taught me my first lessons in dharma. Tomorrow I must kill him too."

Krishna: "Must you?"

ARJUNA (frustrated): You know I must! You arranged this war! You brought us to this field! Don't pretend now that I have a choice!

Krishna: "You always have a choice. That's the terrible gift of being human—you are never free from choice."

Arjuna: "Then I choose not to fight. Let Duryodhana have the kingdom. Let us return to the forest. Thirteen more years of exile is better than thirteen million deaths."

Krishna: "Is it? Think carefully, Arjuna. You are not just a prince seeking a kingdom. You are a symbol. If you walk away now, what message does that send? That dharma retreats before adharma? That the righteous give up when the cost is high? That tyrants need only wait out the weak wills of their opponents?"

Arjuna: "Better that message than rivers of blood."

Krishna: "The blood will flow whether you're here or not. Duryodhana will not disband his army because you retreated. He will pursue you. He will hunt the Pandavas across the earth. He will destroy everyone who ever helped you. The war will happen, Arjuna. The only question is whether it happens with you fighting for dharma, or without you, leaving dharma defenseless."

Arjuna: "That's not fair."

Krishna: "Fair is a concept for games. This is reality. Reality doesn't care about fair. It only cares about action and consequence."

Arjuna: "Then tell me what to do! You're God, aren't you? You know everything! Just tell me the right answer!"

Krishna: "I can't."

Arjuna: "Can't or won't?"

Krishna: "Can't. Not because I don't know the answer, but because the answer must come from you. If I simply command you, you become a puppet. I want you to understand, Arjuna. When you act tomorrow, I want you to act from knowledge, not obedience."

Arjuna: "What knowledge? I know nothing! I am more confused now than I have ever been!"

Krishna: "Good. Confusion is the beginning of wisdom. The man who thinks he knows everything learns nothing. The man who admits his confusion opens himself to truth."

Arjuna is silent for a long moment.

Arjuna: "When we were children, did you know this would happen? When we played together in Vrindavan, in Mathura, did you see this night? This war?"

Krishna: "I saw many possibilities. This was one of them."

Arjuna: "And you still played? You still laughed? Knowing that one day we would sit here, surrounded by armies, facing the death of everyone we love?"

Krishna: "I laughed because laughter is true. I played because play is eternal. The war is also true, but it is not more true than the joy that came before it. Both exist. Both matter."

Arjuna: "I don't understand."

Krishna: "You will. Tomorrow, between the armies, I will explain everything. Things I've never told anyone in this form. The nature of the soul. The meaning of action. The path to liberation even in the midst of violence. You will understand, Arjuna—not because I will make you understand, but because you are ready to understand."

Arjuna: "How do you know I'm ready?"

Krishna: "Because you're asking. Because you're doubting. Because you're suffering. No one receives wisdom who is comfortable. Comfort is the enemy of growth. Your agony tonight is the preparation for tomorrow's illumination."

Arjuna: "That's cold comfort."

Krishna: "It's the only comfort that's real. Now sleep if you can. Tomorrow will be long."

Arjuna: "Will you stay?"

Krishna: "I will always stay. Even when you can't see me, I'm there. Even when you forget me, I remember you. That's what it means to have me as your charioteer—not just for this war, but for every war, every life, every moment of doubt and decision."

Arjuna nods, lies back, closes his eyes. Sleep doesn't come, but something like peace does.

KRISHNA (whispered): Tomorrow, my friend. Tomorrow, everything changes. Tomorrow, you become who you were always meant to be.

He watches over his warrior through the long night, as he has watched over him through lifetimes uncounted, as he will watch over him through lifetimes yet to come.